This Ain't A Love Song
by swfc008
Summary: Reflections for both Mac and Stella as they come to the realisation of their feelings for each other. Not a fluff piece unless you squint really, really hard.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone or the flashback dialogues, and neither do I own the song in the fic. They belong to CBS, Anthony Zuiker and the writers and Mercury respectively.  
**Notes: **I wrote this fic ages ago for **Sabi** as a Christmas present and decided to post it on here. Any mistakes are my own. Feel free to give constructive criticisms. Song is This Ain't A Love Song by _Bon Jovi._

* * *

She sat by the window, sipping at her coffee as she watched couples all walking past her heading to their destinations. It was, after all Valentines Day and here she was, stuck in a bar full of cheesy, romantic couples. She had always thought this day was over-rated: one day a year where people go all out with flowers, candies just to woo their significant others. It was stupid, really, because, if you really loved someone, you wouldn't go all out just for this one day. But maybe because she was feeling miserable. Which was what brought her here in the first place. Normally, she'd spend the day with her best friend but this year, he was busy. It had been a tradition for them ever since Claire died. She would take him out to dinner at their favourite restaurant and they would talk. More like he would talk and she would listen. He rarely talked of his late wife so in some ways, taking him out to dinner was cheaper for him, rather than forking out the cash for some professional to listen and psychoanalyze him. In fact, it was good for the both of them.

But the routine changed this year. This year, he had made no mention of their tradition to her. In fact, he had left work early. And she wasn't going to mention it to him either. Somehow, for some crazy reason, "they" had become a topic of taboo now and she had no idea when it had started. She guessed as much that it probably happened around the time of the roller-derby case or possibly even earlier. And she remembered it clearly like it was yesterday:

_"It's a simple game. The jam is a two-minute period where each team tries to score points, by having their jammer lap members of the opposing team"  
"You cannot know this."  
"Someone took me to a game."  
"Nobody would take you to a roller-derby game. Oh... Unless, you were on a date."  
"It was fun."  
"The game or the date?"_

His non-commitant reply was more than enough of an indication that it was in fact a date. And she had tried to worm out more information out of him about said date as well as the mysterious person but to no avail. He had somehow managed to always almost change the subject. And now it was all dawning clear on her. If there was anything capable of bringing out the normally taciturn Mac Taylor out of his shell, it would be, _love_.

Yet, at that time, she was happy for him. Happy that he had found someone who could make him smile. And not once did she stop to think who it was that had managed what only she had managed to do after the death of the love of his life. All she could think about was that if she had ever met that someone, she would give her a hug for making her best friend happy. Little did she know that she wouldn't be feeling that way when she found out the truth.

She remembered thinking, _'he thinks he's hid it well'_ when he arrived on the Brooklyn bridge that night. The instant he turned up without his normal formal attire, and when they had shared that look when she arrived, she knew. And that was when everything went downhill. For an instant, a part of her very much wanted to strangle the woman and toss her off the bridge but she swatted it away like a buzzing fly. It had shocked her to the core that that thought had even crossed her mind. So, instead, she forced herself to work on the case. As well as forced herself to make nice to her. After all, she was the reason why her best friend was happy and as his best friend, it was her job to be happy for him. Even if she did indeed wanted to toss the woman off a cliff. She realised later on that she had reneged on her own promise of thanking and hugging the woman in his life. And she had somewhat kicked herself mentally for it. However, that regret didn't last long as she wondered what had caused this sudden rage within her.

She watched as he became more and more relaxed. There were the occasions that he had returned to the Mac Taylor of old- _"the one who let his heart out of his chest every once in a while"_- but there were also moments of uncertainty written all over his eyes. And she knew what it was- he was uncomfortable about having a relationship with someone he worked with. Say what you want, Mac Taylor was a stickler for the rules, after all, the man was a Marine, and he was hell bent on setting a standard for his people. And, as his best friend, it should've been her job to reassure him that it was okay to break the rules every once in awhile. Especially when it concerned matters of the heart, and most of all, matters of his heart. But she couldn't. For a simple reason: he had kept it a secret from her too. And it had hurt. It had hurt because he didn't trust her enough to tell her. And that was a huge blow to her. He was the one man she trusted her entire life with, apart from Flack, Danny, and Hawkes and she had thought the feeling was mutual between them. This caused her to scoff. Clearly she had been mistaken and living under some delusional fantasy that best friends told each other everything regardless. But, apparently, he didn't trust her. And she blamed herself for it. Even if she would've liked to blame the late Frankie Mala for it, ultimately the fault was hers and hers alone. And she was now left to bear the burden of that mistake for the rest of her life.

She should've seen it coming with Frankie. There were things that she could've handled differently now that she reflected on it. But, if she could go back in time and change anything, she wouldn't. Like she had told Mac, she _"had changed"_ and whether or not he liked it, he would have to accept that fact. And he had because he had left her to work things out on her own and he knew that she would come to the right conclusion after all. And she had. But there was this nagging doubt within her that told her he no longer trusted her judgement. Simply because she had not dealt with the Frankie situation in the way he had expected. He had never truly said anything about it and neither had she. It was one of their forbidden topics regardless of how close they were. And clearly not talking about it was the cause of this deep hole in their friendship.

_"I spoke to Grace Thomason. She's blaming herself."  
"Common reaction."  
"You know, we go to crime scenes, we start rattling off platitudes to people. Words of pain and loss and healing. And the truth is all we really care about is the business of death."  
"I know this has to be a little tough on you, Stella."  
"Actually, I think it's good. It's bringing out stuff that I haven't dealt with... and I look at Grace and I know what she's going through."  
"Tracy Davis."  
"It's our very first case together."  
"I remember the look in your eyes. At the end of each day when you process the crime scene, analyzed her clothes... I'm going to tell you now what I told you then: it's hard to separate yourself emotionally. But in the end, always comes down to the evidence."  
"I didn't forget that, Mac... This case is different, hell I'm different. I know what it's like to be trapped in your own home. And I have a vivid memory of that horrible moment when you realize the only way out is a bullet. I have no choice but to be emotionally involved."_

She was brought out of her reveries by the sound of the waitress asking her if she wanted a refill which she had gladly accepted. Somewhere along the way when she was lost in her thoughts, it had begun to rain. _Perfect_, she thought. The weather was matching her mood. And she sighed. She wondered what they were doing tonight; if he had bought her any flowers (roses, probably); if he had booked a table at a nice romantic restaurant (Italian, probably) months in advance; or if they opted to stay in.

_'Snap out of it Bonasera!'_

She was being ridiculous, she knew. She was never one to pry into her colleagues' private lives and she wasn't going to start now. And most of all, she wasn't going to start prying into Mac's. But in that, she couldn't stop herself. More like, she couldn't bring herself to stop. And that was what frustrated her the most. She was making a big deal out of nothing. Sure there were things about her that Mac didn't know so there were bound to be things about him that she didn't know either. What mattered was that she knew the important things. And for some reason she found herself getting angry at Mac. Simply because this- his relationship with Peyton- was important. She wasn't going to go knocking on his front door and demanding that he come clean to her although it would've been hilarious given the fact that he may not even be home yet. _'Probably having dinner at some swanky Italian restaurant somewhere Downtown'_, and she let out a slight bitter chuckle.

A part of her felt that if Peyton wasn't around, she'd be there with him, having dinner and just catching up on things. Instead, he was the one laughing and making googely eyes at Peyton whilst she was stuck here drowning her sorrows in a pretty mediocre cafe and coffee. _'It should've been me having dinner with him. He should be making googely eyes at me instead of her.'_ That was when it hit her. Realization dawned on her like a snake bite, the snake having now bitten its prey, the poison slowly being absorbed into their body and ever so slowly unleashing its venom and paralysing its victims causing them to fall into a slow and painful death. This was exactly what it felt like to her. She had not realised just how much she had missed him; how much she had missed their conversations; the way his concern gaze would fall on her whenever he knew she was struggling; the way he offered her a comforting shoulder no matter the time or day. And now, they had rarely talked much since he started seeing Peyton. And she was jealous. Jealous of her because she had Mac's undying attention day or night, rain or shine, he was hers and no one elses. But most of all, she was jealous because she had come to care for him in the way that she had with Frankie. And that realization had only just dawned on her.

_Should have seen it coming when the roses died  
Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes  
Should have listened when you said, "Goodnight"  
You really meant goodbye  
Baby, ain't it funny, how I never ever learn to fall?  
You're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall  
But only fools are 'Know it all's' and I played that fool for you  
_

She had been a fool, not only to herself but for him as well. She was now powerless to do anything about it because he now belonged to another. His heart was no longer hers and he had walked out that door when he found out that Flack would be alright. And he had gone straight into someone else's arms when she would've given anything for him to fall in hers. It was too late now and she was paying the price.

_I cried and I cried there were nights that I died for you, baby  
I tried and I tried to deny your love drove me crazy, baby  
_

The day that he had lost the love of his life, she had cried. Not only had she lost a friend, but her best friend had lost his soulmate, the one woman who he would willingly lay down his life for if only to make sure that she was safe. But this time, the tables were turned. Instead of crying for him, he was crying for her. And it had changed him. But she had tried, determined to get him back on his feet again. To get back the Mac Taylor of old and after months and months, or maybe years of trying, he had indeed become the Mac Taylor of old. But he had changed. And instead of irking her, she had found herself accepting this new version of the old Mac Taylor. It was like a Mac 2.0 or something. She remembered one particularly bad night that Mac had soon after Claire's death and she had willed herself not to break down in front of him. But, safe in the comforts of her own home, she had finally let those tears out and begged God to do something to alleviate his pain. She had gone so far as to beg Him to take her own life just so that he could be happy. That was when things had changed. And she was clueless at that time to have known what it would lead to.

As the months rolled on, she found herself back in the same cafe and sitting at the same corner. It was raining once again and she had to let out a slight chuckle. This time, she was here for another reason. Mac and Peyton had finally come clean about their relationship. In fact, he had told her himself the night before. And, like the best friend that she was, she told him she was happy for him yet inside she was crumbling. But he would never get to see that, she would never let him see any form of weakness in her.

_If the love that I've got for you is gone  
If the river I cried ain't that long  
Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song  
_

She laughed at the irony of the lyric of the song that was playing. The same one that had been playing when she was here the last time round. It was as though some unforeseen being had brought her here again and was somehow trying to send her a message. It was ironic really, a song that was not meant to be a love song but was in actuality a love song. She had accepted the fact the night that she was here: she was in love with her best friend but there was nothing she could do about it. He was in love with another and that was that. She would have to be a big girl and suck it up and make nice. Which was exactly what she did. Even if she went home and cried afterwards.

And he had appreciated it. She knew that he was worried about her reaction. He couldn't care less what the others thought. What he cared about was her reaction. Things had somehow returned to normal between them after that. As she looked at him, he was much more relaxed and at ease with everything. Probably because the big secret was now out of the bag. Peyton had respected their space and she was grateful for it. If there was one thing she could give the woman credit for, it was her tact. She understood that Mac had a routine and she had respected it as well as Mac and Stella's friendship. And Stella was thankful. She wouldn't have been able to deal with it had Peyton been selfish and wanting Mac only to herself. She was willing to share him and Stella was willing to compromise on that front as well.

_Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time  
Like we got away with the perfect crime  
But we were just a legend in my mind  
I guess that I was blind  
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade?  
The clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade  
You and I were the renegades, some things never change  
_

A few weeks later, she found herself back here again, this time for a different reason. He was gone. He had just upped and left. He had left her in charge of the lab. _His_ lab, as a matter of fact. He had left Danny and Adam, both of whom he had considered as sons, injured and in the care of others. He left them all to pick up the pieces and put them back together whilst he was having a holiday in London with _her_. And she was pissed off about it. The Mac Taylor that she knew would never have just left his team and his baby in the hands of other people. The Mac Taylor that she knew would have helped supervise the rebuilding of his lab as well as be there for his family. But, this Mac Taylor had flown 10,000 miles to be with a woman for a holiday. She didn't begrudge him a much needed R&R but leaving for a holiday when everything was in disarray was not exactly a wise decision. Then again, he hadn't exactly been making wise decisions lately, especially in regards to Clay Dobson. Regardless of how pissed off she was, there was nothing she could've done. He was gone and she was here to hold the fort and hold the team together until their captain returned.

_I cried and I cried there were nights that I died for you, baby  
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby  
_

She tried to calm herself down by focusing on what needed to be done. But she slowly found herself thinking about Mac. Wondering if he was having a good time and enjoying his much needed break. She couldn't help but wonder if a part of him was thinking about her. She knew that he wouldn't have left her in charge if he knew she wasn't capable. That in itself spoke volumes of the confidence he had in her abilities as his second in command. After all that she had been through with Frankie and the AIDS scare, she was grateful that he had given her this chance to show him that she could manage without him. What he didn't know was that she needed him just as much. Even if she had made it look like she was coping to everyone, secretly, inside, a part of her was dying. The only other woman whom Mac would have been willing to do anything, even go on a holiday, was Claire. Ever since then, no other woman had been able to convince him, safe for her, but only on the rare occasions. Yet, he hadn't been seeing Peyton for that long and she was already able to get him to up and leave just like that.

She knew he would've been hesitant at the start. It was Mac, after all and considering the fact that the lab was pretty much his second home, she wouldn't have been surprised.

_If the love that I got for you is gone  
_

The words of the song that played the last times she was here found its way back to her again. She had long ago come to the conclusion that Mac was no longer hers. In fact, she had accepted it slowly even if it took some time. She was sure that Mac had found "the one" who could take Claire's place in his heart, even if a part of her wished that it was her instead of Peyton. But, Mac was happy and for that reason, Stella was happy. And as she sat in the cafe, she was resolved to give him up. No matter how much she loved him, he didn't love her. He was in love with someone else and to him, Stella Bonasera could and always only be his best friend. Nothing more. Even if it killed her to admit it, she couldn't let him go. But this was a choice that she had to make. And with a heavy heart, she walked out of the cafe and into the rain.

_If the river I cried ain't that long  
_

Having read the letter, she felt her heart break. For the last few weeks since his return from England, Mac had been troubled. What was worse was that Peyton did not return with him and she was curious. She soon found out, however, that Peyton's absence was the least of Mac's trouble. She knew he was not getting any sleep over this and she was also disturbed by the presence of Drew Bedford. As much as she tried to shake it off, the man was annoying but also persistent. He was wooing her and Mac had told her to go for it. Even when he knew what happened to Frankie. She thought back about what he had said to her that day as she was opening the gift that Drew Bedford had sent her:

_"There's safer ways to beat the traffic."  
"Oh, traffic I can handle; men are another story."  
"What is it?"  
"Gift certificate for a sky diving lesson. Met this guy in an antique store. And then bumped into him again at a coffee stand and suddenly he wants to hold hands at 10,000 feet. So he sent me a parachute."  
"Original. And daring."  
"And a bit too aggressive for me... What?"  
"You were smiling when you open the box."  
"Mac, my last boyfriend tried to kill me and I shot him."_

She still remembered him laughing when she said those words.

_"Well, maybe this guy is a little different. Why don't you just run him thru ISPEN?"  
"Actually, I already did... There are 3 Drew Bedfords in the City. One is 96 and lives in a rest home; the other is in juvie for painting boobs on a billboard; and my "original and daring" friend is, uh, squeaky clean."  
"You and I are alike in a lot of ways: we both do everything we can to avoid this sorta thing. Sometimes, you just got to take the plunge."  
"So you're telling me to fall for all this?"  
"Stella, Peyton pursued me. I never thought I'd enjoy another relationship either. Forget about all the risk of romance and, enjoy the rewards."_

She remembered the look of happiness on his face as he told her to take the plunge and walked away. It didn't take a genius to know that Mac and Peyton were happy together even through their long distance relationship. So, it was a shock when she found out that very night that she had dumped Mac. Through a letter. No one, especially not Mac, deserved to be treated that way and for that one fleeting moment, Stella wished she had pushed Peyton off the Brooklyn Bridge that night. But, she didn't stay long to dwell on it because she knew that Mac needed her. And it was the thought of Mac needing her that calmed down the raging fire breathing dragon inside her. So, she went.

_Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song  
_

Watching him play and act like he was okay made her upset but she was never going to show him that. She was here as his friend and she was going to comfort him as his friend. She saw him acknowledging her presence with a bow of the head and she knew that he appreciated it. She knew that he would be okay in the long run but sitting there, a part of her felt useless. Simply because she was unable to take away his pain. And she knew better than to comment on Peyton's rudeness because as rude as she had been, Peyton had helped heal Mac Taylor's broken heart. Rose may have been the start of his moving on but Peyton had been the one who had healed it and had brought back the old Mac Taylor. And she couldn't fault her for that. Yet, she had no idea just how much she had lost when she sent him that "Dear John" letter. Peyton's loss was someone else's gain.

_If the pain that I'm feeling so strong is the reason I'm holdin' on  
_

Reed Garrett had been a thorn in Mac's side throughout the Cabbie Killer case but as she watched him fight for his life and Mac's helplessness at the fact that there was a chance that he could lose to one connection to Claire that he had left, Stella realised one thing. She could never give Mac up. In fact, she had never given him up; just merely pushed them aside for the sake of his happiness. Watching him as he worked to save Reed, she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Sorry because he had lost the one person in his life who meant the world to him. Sorry because the one last connection that he had with said person might probably not survive his ordeal. Sorry because there was nothing she could do to help take away the pain should it happen. If Reed died, Stella knew that Mac would be broken. No matter how much of a thorn he was, Stella had seen the effects that Reed Garrett had had on Mac's life. He was close to treating Reed as his own son, even if he wasn't. Sure, Reed was a reminder of Claire and what he had lost but Reed was also going to be the son that Mac and Claire had never had. And the worse nightmare any parent could face was that of their child dying before them. There was a saying in the Greek custom that fathers should not bury their sons. And there was a chance here that this would be the case. As she sat back and watched Mac keeping pressure on the wound, she hoped and prayed that Reed would survive.

_Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song  
_

Finding out that he had gone into the bank alone all because Joe wanted a CSI to clear his name had her worried. She was pissed that Mac had gone in there but she knew that there was no way he would put any of his team in harm's way. If Joe or anyone had requested any CSI, Mac would always volunteer. That was one of the many things that she loved about him. The man was a Marine after all and he knew how to look after himself. So she kept herself busy by helping him in the way she could- by doing her job. Even if she was worried, she knew that he would be okay. And if he died, Heaven forbid, she would kick his ass. But she still found herself hoping against hope that he would be okay.

_Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song  
_

She let out a breath that she didn't realise that she was holding when she saw him with her own eyes. Hearing his voice on the phone had been an immense relief but she had to see him physically to believe it. If she had her way, she would've made sure he had gone to the hospital for a check up but she had known better. Mac Taylor was stubborn as well as headstrong so there was no way he was going to the hospital. But, that didn't matter to her. All that she had cared about was that he was fine; he was safe and alive. And she had Mac back. That was what mattered the most. After the year that he had had, she was just glad that he was alive and standing, albeit with a slight concussion. Seeing him now, she realised that her resolution a few months back had gone out the window. Who was she kidding? She had loved this man for so long and she was going to love him until the day she died. To her, Mac Taylor was her life. He was the only man that was constant in her life. Even if he just thought of her as his best friend, she couldn't ask for more. All that mattered was that she loved him. And she was happy.

_Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song...  
_

_

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**A/N: Thanks so much for reading this. Please let me know what you think. I welcome feedback of any kind. :) **


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